Tuesday, January 16, 2007

Toilet humor

It took me a few days to get used to the high-tech toilets that are common here.

(I will note that what is not common is toilet paper, which can present problems when you're a tourist using a toilet not of the high-tech variety. Luckily, I was warned about this and arrived in Taiwan prepared.)

In any event, my first surprise was the heated toilet seat. Not only to these things get toasty, I'm pretty sure they get hot enough that there's an actual "toast" setting. Although I'll probably miss this when I get home, as I gather winter finally has arrived in the Northeast.

It took me a bit to figure out how to flush these things. For all the buttons and such, the toilets still employ a traditional flush lever -- located nowhere near the touchpad.

Now, the fun part: The toilets have a biday function. I was able to discern which button to push thanks to the icon of a fountain of water pleasantly gurgling under someone's rear end. I guess there's no graceful way to illustrate that. The first time I pushed this button, I figured the water would shut off automatically after an appropriate amount of time. So after I had sat there for a bit with water shooting up my ass, I began to panic. Although I hear there are some people who will pay a significant amount of money for this experience. I did eventually locate the stop button but did wind up with soggy boxers after failing to dry myself properly.

I did puzzle for some time over the button with the picture of a woman's head on it. I am proud to report I figured it out without having to push the button.

So maybe there is a graceful way to illustrate the ass-cleaning function.

* * * * * *
Observation #1: It doesn't take long to get annoyed by people asking if I'd like to eat at McDonald's. No, I wouldn't, and I won't take you to Panda Express when you come to the States.
Observation #2: Taipei seems intent on leading the world in 7-Eleven infiltration. The number of 7-Elevens here makes it look like Portland and Seattle are facing a dire shortage of Starbucks. You can't walk more than 3 blocks here without stumbling across a 7-Eleven. Maybe they're putting something in the Slurpees. That said, there is another type of store even more abundant. I have to do more research, but I will report back on this, as it's rather interesting.
Amusing story: I was playing pingpong last night with my aunt when she invited a 10-year-old boy to take her spot for a bit. I was fine with this at first, and then extremely panicked as visions of an epic ass-whipping danced in my head. Lucky for me, he turned out to be your average 10-year-old and not some pingpong prodigy.
Traveler's tip: If you have a moment when you're walking down the sidewalk in Taipei to stop looking around to make sure you're not going to get run down by someone on a scooter or flattened by a reckless driver, I suggest you walk with your head down. Not to avoid making eye contact, as one might in New York, but to make sure you don't trip and break your neck. The convenience of even sidewalks is not a priority here, nor has anyone bothered to require that elevation changes be marked with warning signs.

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